How to Build your own Sky Fortress and protect it against
the forces of evil
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| How to Build your own Sky Fortress and protect
it against
the forces of evil |
Security for your fortress must not be overlooked. If this is going to be
your kingdom, it must be protected. There are many ways to protect your
super sky-fortress, but nothing says "No Tresspassing" better than an
angry army of vicious warrior monkeys.
Warrior Monkeys
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When selecting your monkey it is very important to take into consideration
the climate they will be living in. Being in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan I
would probably select the Snow Macaque Monkey, because they can
withstand cold temperatures. These monkeys will run you about $3700 a
piece so you don't want them dying on you every winter. Now this is where
patience comes in...depending on your budget, you may wish to simply buy
two monkeys and breed them to form an army, rather than buying many at one
time. For the sake of our example we will purchase 8 Snow Macaques,
provided at $3700 a piece from Exotic Animal
World. It would also be wise to choose a larger, stronger
breed of monkey to be the natural leader. I would like to
suggest a Baboon. These are a little more expensive
(~$4500) but will end up saving you a lot of time in
training. With a lead baboon monkey, all you will have to do
is train him and he will train his warrior monkeys
accordingly. |  |
Now before you run out and order 15 warrior monkeys, PLEASE be aware that
these are exotic animals, and are to be taken seriously. An angered spider
monkey could easily kill you, so treat them with respect. Monkeys require
a lot of love, and if they don't get the amount of love they need they
have a tendancy to turn agressive and hostile. Use this to your advantage
by providing just enough love that they will not attack you, but starve
them on love just to show them who is boss. They will soon learn who holds
the bananas.
Speaking of bananas, a large army of warrior monkeys can be fairly
unpleasant if not addequately nourished (especially the Baboon
monkey). Ignore anything people tell you
about monkey diets, because contrary to popular belief monkeys CAN and
WILL survive solely on bananas, small branches and their young. This
means all you will need is bananas, and a WHOLE LOT of bananas. I suggest
you look into purchasing a
large shipment. Bananas will cost you around $7 per case (50kg) for
premiem
ecuadorian bananas. Minimum shipment is usually around 120,000 cases for
this price, so we're looking at $840,000. Although this many bananas would
be great, we can't quite afford that on our limited budget so we will
purchase 100 cases and hope that they can survive on local habitat after
that. This should cost us around $1000.
Clothing and arming your monkeys will cost you extra, and I will leave
that up to you. I suggest full-plate armour and knives, as everybodoy
knows that monkeys are good with knives.
Dig a Moat
Think you're monkeys are going to just hang around and wait for people to
tresspass on your property? Hell no, they're gonna go insane and spread
out looking for humans to eat once they run out of bananas. This is where
a crafty moat comes in. For the small price of a shovel, and a couple
weeks worth of hard back-breaking labour, this dream can be easily
realized. Everybody knows that monkeys can't swim so this should work for
you in two ways: To keep inturders out, and to keep the monkeys in. If you
chose to build your fortress in a swamp, you may not have to dig a moat
afterall. I have no idea how you are going to hang onto your monkeys
though, I guess you will have to buy more bananas...
I should mention that for many people, raising an army of killer monkeys
and building a moat to contain them
just isn't a feasible solution. For these people I would like to suggest
some other viable solutions to meet your security needs, AND your
budget:
- Automatic Sentry Guns. These are pretty hard to find, but very
effective. Please plan your gun placement carefully, and develop a safe
way to enter your fortress without being shot yourself.
- Hire local convicts to secure the area. There are always escaped
convicts running around. Find them and offer them food in exchange for
work. Give them a gun and let them patrol your fortress.
- If you build your fortress in a swamp, consider buying
aligators. Remember to come up with a plan for entering your fortress
without being devoured by said aligators.
| Step
5: Sit back, relax, and count your savings |
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Take a moment to sit back in your super-fortress and listen to the
incoherent endless screaming of your army of warrior monkeys. Remember to
keep your monkeys loved enough that they will not turn on you, you can do
this by making good friends with your leader Baboon monkey. Remember: a
loved, well-fed monkey is a monkey that is less likely to kill
you. Warrior monkeys are not a thing to fool around with. |
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Now that we are done our adventure, lets look at what our costs are
sitting at:
$15,000 - Land
$29,600 - Warrior Monkeys
$1000 - Chains/Rope
$1200 - Mountain Dew (assuming 5 people on your team, working for 30
days)
$1000 - Bananas
$5000 - Miscellanous Costs (nails, bolts, tenser bandages, replacement monkeys)
$19 - Shovel
Grand Total: $52,819
You didn't believe me, did you?? I said this would all cost less than
$100'000 and it ended up costing under $55,000! Plus, you no longer
have to worry about the busy city, insurance policies, door-to-door
salespeople, or PEOPLE in general. You have all the freedom in the world
thanks to your new home, and you have the coolest house for miles! So what
are you waiting
for? Don't just sit there, go out and find yourself some land!
Spitfire
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